zia's brain

Steps 1-6

1.  Get electric toothbrush.

2.  Turn it on. 

3.  Insert into mouth and begin vigorous teeth cleaning.  

4.  Say “wowowowowow”

5.  Record it.

6.  Sell to Skrillex.

of montreal

Here are some things I saw at the Of Montreal show tonight:

• A crowdsurfing mummy (?)
• A lead guitarist playing a guitar solo… while crowdsurfing
• Two pigs controlling audience applause to create a weird rhythmic noise piece

a modular audiobook of Seth Godin’s Stop Stealing Dreams

I’ve always wanted to record an audiobook.  This is a modular, shareable, likeable verision of Seth Godin’s manifesto Stop Stealing Dreams.  If you’re an educator or interested in education at all, there are some important and outrageous ideas in this book.  You can stream each chapter or download the whole thing from right here, or you can head to the bandcamp site.

If you connect to a certain chapter, feel free to post that one on your Facebook wall, or send it to the appropriate friend or colleague.

Also, I do podcasts.

this is why I hate Teavana.

You ever been to a place called Teavana in your local shopping mall?  If you haven’t, it’s a super hip tea shop.  They have the customer experience down to a science.  Allow me to demonstrate.

PHASE ONE:  THE POKE  

I walk in, and the high school age greeter shoves a free sample in my hands so fast that I don’t remember a thing.  The sample is doused in rock sugar which activates my chemicals and makes me crave more of it.

“Do you sell the rock sugar in the store?” I ask.  ”Of course,” the greeter replies, with her left foot subtly pointing in the direction of the front counter.

PHASE TWO:  THE STINK BOMB

I’m going to buy a couple of oz of that tea.  It’s honey orange marmaduke sloth picked mountain lion os x eechabakuru Oolong.  I love the way you can literally taste the sloths hands (or claws, whatever they have) in the finish.  And that secret ingredient?  I may not be able to spell it, but I can sure taste it.  Let’s go to the register to get this shit on!!!

Everything is 50% off!  But guess what!  I bought a tea set 3 months ago, and it was STILL ON SALE TODAY!  And God, I really need that fucking $12 small bowl to stir my fucking matcha in.  I have a number of clear glass bowls at home, but this one contains a magical quality that is really the best for only matcha, so I should really buy it.  Oh and a $9 whisk too, because my spoons just don’t have the stirring power necessary to make a healthy bowl of this green tea flavored kool-aid powder.

Oh and I definitely need one of those teamakers.  I do have a strainer at home, but that glass container would be way more fun for $19.95.

PHASE THREE:  THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I’ve picked up over $40 of glassware on my way up to the register but…  I’m ready.  I’m fucking ready to go to Tea Land.  I’m going to be pissing tea.  Shitting leaves.  I’m going to buy my tea now.  2 whole ounces of it!

I walk up to the register, and I notice that Teavana doesn’t keep their teas behind the counter in bags, which would be pretty cheap.  No, they keep them in little cubbies, in these beautiful metal lidded colored buckets.   I watch as they pull that big ol’ beauty out from the cubbie its housed in and plop it in front of me.  

They struggle a bit to pull the handle.  There’s so much magic inside that they can’t even make the lid budge! After getting another employee’s assistance, finally the cover is removed, and a huge waft of tea scented air smacks me in the fucking face.  Temporarily blinded, I ask to see another type of tea, because the container this one was in is green, and there are other beautifully colored containers available on the wall (red, yellow, black).  They have gorgeous Chinese characters etched on the front of them.  Or Japanese.  I don’t fucking know.  Or care!  I’m in a cloud of Dragon jizz, I’m not interested in anything but how I feel right now.

The sales man agrees with me and says that most people like to balance out their visit by purchasing an opposing tea.  He pulls out another, more expensive, tea bucket off the shelf and ejaculates it right into my eyeball.  

PHASE  FOUR:  THE FLINCH

I don’t know which one I want.  They’re both so good, yet so different.  I know.  I’ll get both.  I’ll just get an ounce of each.

“Sorry, he says.  ”We only sell them in 2 oz portions.  No one who really drinks tea would ever advocate buying less than 2 ozs. If you want to get both teas, you’ll have to get 2 ozs of each.  4 oz total.  Is that okay?”

I contemplate.  On one hand, I could just get one 2 oz bag of tea for now.  A nice chai tea, like I had planned.  Thick and creamy, just like winter.  

But it’s February.  Nay, it’s the END of February.

What happens if it’s too warm outside to drink such a winter-friendly beverage?  After all, global warming has pretty much made “winter” a thing of the past anyway, and I heard it’s supposed to be 60 degrees next week.  Maybe I’d just better go with the lighter fruity tea that isn’t really tea but tastes so fucking delicious that I don’t care where these leaves being steeped came from.  

But what if it gets cold again?  I remember last year we got snow in April.  Do I really want to be stranded in my apartment, freezing my ass off with blanket, a wall of snow making it’s way up to block my 12th story balcony view… and the only warm drink I have… tastes like a liquified guava?

“I suppose,” I say quietly, “I’ll have both.”  And before I can even finish my sentence, he loudly exclaims “EXCELLENT!” and goes to work.

He sinks a huge (but gorgeous) wooden spoon into the tea bucket and swirls it around for a while, telling me that he really enjoys the sound of tea rubbing against itself.  ”Different sound for every type,” he grins.  

PHASE FIVE:  THE SNIPER

He stops for a minute.  ”Did you want one of our special Teavana tins?  They are air tight and keep your tea fresh longer.”

“No,” I reply, “that will be fine.”  

“Are you sure?” he asks, puzzled, a frown beginning to attack the corners of his mouth.  ”Your tea will go bad within 2 days if you don’t get one of our $5 tins.”  

At this point, all I want is my goddamn tea.  I can see it in front of me in his spoon.  I can smell it.  I have kept my tea in bags before for months, and I’ve never noticed any weird taste.  But perhaps my pallette isn’t so refined yet. I probably thought that it was just the taste of the tea… and this expanding time between me and my tea is looking even more infinite.  ”Fine, give me two tins.” 

PHASE SIX:  THE LAST SQUEEZE 

He removes the spoon and then stabs it right back into the tea pile’s g-spot, and comes out with a certifiable mountain of tea.  In he goes again, swoosh, and out comes another mountain.  Into the container it goes, *flooossshhhh*.  

He puts the teas on the scale.  ”5.4 oz,” he says, lines appearing across his forehead.  ”Is that okay?”  

Now, I had asked for 4 ounces, but I couldn’t tell him no.  I didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings.  Maybe he had some kind of learning problem where he couldn’t remember numbers for a very long time. Perhaps he’d been teased about it his whole life.  Maybe his childhood friend Benjamin benched him in basketball all the time, and maybe I was the first one to ever give him a break.  

Feeling quite pleased with myself, and happy to give back to the community, I tell him that 5.4 oz is perfect.  I smile brightly.  He smiles back at me.  We have the best cashier-customer relationship in the history of commerce.

My total is $77.  I didn’t expect to spend so much at the mall today, but I also didn’t expect to grow so much as a person.  

Well worth it.  

9 Live Streams of Cool Places on Earth

1.  The Eiffel Tower

The Eiffel Tower shrinks six inches in water.  See if you can catch it happening live.

2.  Times Square

If you wait long enough, you’ll probably see someone you know.

3.  Giza, Egypt (the Pyramids)

I recommend trying to catch sunset.

4.  Niagara Falls

I kind of wish this one had sound.

5.  Yellowknife, Alaska (the Aurora Borealis)

Don’t be sad if you log in between storms.  Just give it a bit, and you’ll get to see the awesome Northern Lights.

6.  Great Barrier Reef, Australia

Surf’s up.

7.  Verona, Italy (Sky Cam)

From an observatory in Italy.

8.  San Diego, CA (Zoo)

Apes.  Among other things.

9.  Sharm El-Sheikh

A personal favorite place of mine.  One can very easily fall in love with/at this beach.